My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
