There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
