I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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