Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
