1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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