your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
