New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
