i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
