The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
