My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
