I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
