Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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