Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
