Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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