There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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