So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
