i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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