Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
