things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
