I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
