Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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