i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
