remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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