I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
