Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
