go do what you do best...puke behind churches
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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