i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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