and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
