dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
