i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
