he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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