Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
