I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he thought i was a dude.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
