so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
