I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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