You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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