What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
