I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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