you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
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this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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