You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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