how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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