He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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