Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
