is your mom at the bar?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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