The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
