gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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