So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
