can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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