U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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