You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
