literally had 100 drinks last night.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
