i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
