If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
