so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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