when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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